What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 23.06.2025 02:19
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
When did washing a dog exhaust you very quickly?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
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So, i spoilt her more .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Im still living with it.
How do I convince flat earthers that the earth is round?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She wouldn,t have been !
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
What caused the decline of the Soprano crew?
I don,t even have a pension.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
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And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Why are therapy lights so expensive?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So whats the point in blame.
I was seconnd youngest,
I waited trembling.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She married twice! .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It was going to be , some day.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And i lived it daily.
My family never makes their pension either.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Especially a lifetime of it.
But it wasn’t much.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Comes on , in middle age.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Put me off passion for life!!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was scared of men, in general
(And it was in our own minds.)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She was in good health!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
We all went to grammer schools
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I write beautiful poetry .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was very sick at this time too.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
One cannot live in the past .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
When she asked me how she looked .
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
What did i know ?
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
My life is so biszare .
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I have no regrets .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
All the time i was locked up.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I said to her
Who then, do I blame.?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I was 9 years of age.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Would this be the day?
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I think the readers, may guess!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She found it foreign!.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I couldn’t, believe it.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I will be 64.
This is soul school!.
Ive learnt so much.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
He resisted the act ,that day.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But ive been too sick for many years..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
He knew the spot.
She loved him until the end.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But, we were locked up after school.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
We were not on the streets..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.